SID CAESAR: Small Apartment [THE COMMUTERS] (CAESAR’S HOUR, May 9, 1955)

SID CAESAR: Small Apartment [THE COMMUTERS] (CAESAR’S HOUR, May 9, 1955)


) ♪ LA DA DA
DA DA DA DA ♪ ♪ LA DA DEE DEE ♪ ♪ DUM DEE DEE DUM ♪ ( continuing singing ) ♪…WALK IN THE RAIN… ♪ Bob:
HELLO, DEAR. OH, HI, SWEETHEART. I’M HOME, HONEY. WHOO! OH, BOY, IT’S
A REAL SCORCHER TODAY,
ISN’T IT? IT CERTAINLY IS. HONEY, WHY DON’T YOU
OPEN THE WINDOW? HONEY, THE WINDOW’S OPEN. OH, THAT’S RIGHT,
THE WINDOW IS OPEN. OH, BOY, OH, BOY. HONEY, WHAT TIME
ARE GEORGE AND FRED AND THE GIRL SUPPOSED TO COME FOR DINNER? THEY SHOULD BE HERE
ANY MINUTE. I TOLD THEM TO EXPECT
AN EARLY DINNER. OH, I SEE. I BET YOU, UH — I BET YOU WE HAVEN’T
SEEN THEM SINCE THEY MOVED OUT
TO THE COUNTRY AND BOUGHT THOSE
LITTLE HOUSES, YOU KNOW? YEAH. I BET YOU THEY’RE JUST ITCHIN’
TO GET BACK INTO THE COUNTRY — I MEAN GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND BACK INTO THE CITY
WHERE THERE’S A LITTLE LIFE. ( chuckling: )
THAT DULL COUNTRY LIFE —
NOT FOR ME. OH, HONEY,
WOULD YOU GET ME A COLD DRINK? SWEETHEART, WOULD YOU MIND
GETTING IT YOURSELF? I’M JUST A LITTLE BIT BUSY. AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, WOULD YOU GET
THE ICE CUBES OUT, PLEASE? WE’RE GONNA NEED IT
FOR LATER. OH, SURE. ( humming ) EXCUSE ME, DEAR
I HAVE TO BASTE THE TURKEY. SURE. OWW!
THAT’S HOT, DARLING! THAT’S HOT, SWEETHEART! YOU’RE KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED
TO STICK TO THE CORNER. HONEY, THE ICE CUBES
ARE STUCK AGAIN. DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME
THAT HAMMER, PLEASE. YES, DEAR. THERE WE GO. OW! HONEY… IT’S ALL RIGHT,
I’LL BE ALL RIGHT. HONEY, DO YOU WANT
TO CLOSE IT? THE ICE CUBES
ARE MELTING ALREADY. WOULD YOU LET THROUGH? THERE WE ARE, SWEETHEART. THERE WE ARE. SAY, WHAT TIME
DID YOU SAY GEORGE AND FRED AND THE GIRL
WERE COMING? THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE
TWENTY MINUTES AGO. YOU KNOW THEY’RE LATE
ALREADY — DARLING, WOULD YOU MIND TAKING THOSE HORS D’OEUVRES
INTO THE OTHER ROOM? ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE. EXCUSE ME. JUST A SECOND. IT’S THE BIG TRAY, BOB. OH, THAT’S THE BIG TRAY,
I SEE, I SEE. ( doorbell buzzing ) OH, HONEY, THEY’RE HERE. THEY’RE HERE? YES. I’LL JUST LET ‘EM
RIGHT IN. BOBBY BOY!
HOW ARE YOU? ( all clamoring
and greeting ) HEY, YOU KNOW? WE’VE BEEN IN
THE COUNTRY SO LONG WHERE IT’S SO WIDE AND ROOMY WE FORGOT WHAT A CUTE LITTLE
APARTMENT YOU HAVE. YEAH. WELL, CAN I TAKE YOUR COATS? SURE. SURE. SURE. WHAT ARE YOU FELLAS DOING
WITH COATS ANYWAYS ON SUCH A SCORCHING HOT DAY? WELL, WHERE WE LIVE
IN THE COUNTRY, IT’S SO COOL AND NICE
THAT WE FORGOT HOW HOT AND MUGGY
IT GETS IN THE CITY. WE ALL SLEEP WITH
BLANKETS ON. WATCH OUT, NOW… THIS IS —
THERE WE ARE. JUST PUT ONE
RIGHT ON HERE. THERE WE ARE.
OKAY. Nan: CAN YOU MAKE IT,
DARLING? I’M ALL RIGHT, DEAR. THERE ARE TWO MORE COATS. THERE WE ARE, BOB. THERE WE ARE. HERE’S THE OTHER ONE. YES, SIR. THERE WE ARE. HE’S GOT IT.
HE’S GOT IT. OF COURSE…
OF — BOB, WHY DON’T YOU PUT
SOME OF THE COATS
IN ANOTHER CLOSET? WHAT OTHER CLOSET?
THAT’S IT. HOW ABOUT THAT ONE? THAT’S THE DOOR
WHERE YOU CAME IN. OH, I SEE. JUST GIVE ME
A LITTLE HELP HERE. I GOT IT,
JUST PUSH IT. ( both grunting ) LET’S JUST ALL
SIT DOWN. OKAY. HERE’S A CHAIR. THERE WE GO. SIT ON MY LAP, ROY? YOU DON’T HAVE TO
SIT ON HIS LAP, SPREAD OUT! THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM. BOB, WE WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR BEING SO LATE. IT REALLY WASN’T
OUR FAULT, THOUGH. OH, I UNDERSTAND,
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, GEORGE, YOU CAME IN
FROM THE COUNTRY, YOU MUST HAVE RAN INTO
A LOT OF TRAFFIC ON THE HIGHWAY. OH, NO, THE HIGHWAY
WAS CLEAR. IT TOOK US 22 MINUTES
TO GET DOWN. WE’VE BEEN CIRCLING
THE BLOCK
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR TRYING TO FIND
A PLACE TO PARK. OH, WELL, DID YOU
FIND A PLACE TO PARK? NO, BUT WE FOUND A GUY
TO KEEP CIRCLING FOR US. OH, YOU FOUND ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO CIRCLE YOUR CAR? WELL, I LIVE HERE
AND I USE ONE OF THOSE
CIRCULARS. THE GUY KEEPS MY CAR
CIRCLING ALL THE TIME. YOUR CAR? YEAH. WHY DON’T YOU JUST
PARK YOUR CAR IN THE GARAGE? WELL, TO PARK A CAR
COSTS 35 DOLLARS A MONTH, AND HAVING CIRCLED
ONLY COSTS 20 DOLLARS, SO I HAVE IT CIRCLED. OH, OH, YES. LISTEN, WHY DON’T
YOU TELL US EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR
NEW COUNTRY LIFE? OH, BOY. IT’S BEEN TWO MONTHS,
DON’T FORGET. WE’VE BEEN SO BUSY
FIXING UP OUR NEW HOUSE. YOU FOLKS JUST
GOTTA COME AND VISIT. IT’S SO GREAT. IT MUST BE LOVELY
THIS TIME OF YEAR. OH, NAN,
LOVELY… WELL, YOU JUST GOTTA
SEE IT FOR YOURSELF, THE FLOWERS ARE ALL
IN BLOOM. AND BOB, YOU OUGHT
TO SEE THOSE LAWNS — GREEN, GLOSSY, BEAUTIFUL. WAIT TILL YOU SEE
OUR PLACE. THE ROSES, AND TULIPS,
AND MORNING GLORYS ARE ALL
IN FULL BLOOM. BOB, THE RHODODENDRON’S
ARE CRAWLING
ALL OVER THE PLACE. WHY DON’T YOU SET OUT
SOME TRAPS OR SOMETHING? OH, RHODODENDRONS,
I SEE. THEY’RE FLOWERS. HOW ABOUT SOME
MORE HORS D’OEUVRES? YEAH. MMM.
WONDERFUL. I’VE BEEN EATING THEM
RIGHT ALONG. YOU KNOW THIS PLACE IS — WELL, OUR LIVING ROOM
IS ABOUT TEN TIMES AS LARGE
AS THIS ROOM. IS THAT SO? IT’S A CUTE,
LITTLE PLACE, THOUGH LISTEN, NAN,
I’VE GOT SO MUCH CLOSET SPACE I JUST DON’T WHAT
TO DO WITH IT. YOU KNOW, I GOT
A WHOLE CLOSET JUST FOR MY BELTS. A BELT CLOSET.
I LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, BOB,
I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU. OH? THEN I MOVED OUT TO THE COUNTRY
AND I GOT MYSELF A SPLIT-LEVEL. THAT’S TOO BAD.
WHEN DID YOUR
LEVEL SPLIT? YOU WERE ALL RIGHT
WHEN YOU LEFT HERE, YOU KNOW. IT MUST BE THE DAMPNESS
OUT THERE, HUH? OH, NO, BOB.
THAT’S JUST
THE ARCHITECT’S PLAN. OH, I SEE —
A SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE. ( all laughing ) THESE HORS D’OEUVRES
ARE GOOD. WE HAVE PLENTY MORE. DARLING, WOULD YOU GET
THE OTHER TRAY? SURELY. EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU PLEASE? THERE WE ARE. ( all chattering ) EXCUSE ME WHILE
I CHECK THE FOOD. SAY, THIS COUNTRY LIVING
SOUNDS REAL GREAT
AND EVERYTHING, BUT THERE’S ONE THING
I JUST DON’T BUY. I MEAN YOUR SPLIT-LEVELS, AND YOUR RHODODENDRONS
AND EVERYTHING… BUT I JUST DON’T
GO ALONG WITH — WHAT DO YOU DO AT NIGHT? WHAT KIND OF NIGHT LIFE
DO YOU HAVE? DO YOU JUST SIT AROUND
AND WATCH YOUR LEVEL’S SPLIT, OR YOUR RHODODENDRONS BLOOM? WHAT DO YOU DO? WE HAVE A DIFFERENT
KIND OF FUN, BOB. WE GO OUT IN THE BACKYARD AND BUILD OURSELVES
A BAR-B-QUE EVERY NIGHT. WE GOT ROOM —
ROOM TO LIVE, ROOM TO EAT
AND ROOM TO BREATH. DINNER’S READY. ( all rejoicing ) George:
TALK ABOUT EATING. GEORGE, YOU SIT
OVER THERE. BETTY, YOU SIT
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. ALICE, YOU PULL UP
THAT CHAIR AND SIT THERE. FRED, YOU SIT HERE,
AND BOB YOU SIT HERE, AND I’LL GET
A KITCHEN STOOL. I’LL JUST PUT THIS
RIGHT AROUND HERE. WOULD YOU PASS
THIS TO HIM, PLEASE? BOB, WOULD YOU
TAKE THIS, DEAR? THERE YOU ARE. YOU ALL RIGHT, NOW? LET ME THROUGH, PLEASE. I HAVE TO GET THROUGH, DARLING. YOU GET IN FIRST. THERE WE ARE. FRED, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? OH… THERE’S A TELEPHONE BOOK
THAT GOES WITH THAT CHAIR. BOB, DARLING… SWEETHEART, WOULD YOU SERVE
THE TURKEY, PLEASE? TURKEY? TURKEY? TURKEY! ( all rejoicing ) Nan:
I KNEW YOU’D LIKE IT SO I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD
MAKE TURKEY FOR YOU. IT’S A BIG 25-POUND TURKEY. WHEW! CLOSE THE OVEN — WHEW!! I KNOW IT’S HOT,
BUT IT’S WONDERFUL
IN THE WINTERTIME. Nan:
BOB, THAT’S
THE BIG TRAY, DEAR. I KNOW…
I THINK I’VE GOT A WAY. ( yelling ) ISN’T THAT A BEAUTY? NAN, IT’S JUST MIRACULOUS
WHAT YOU CAN WHIP UP IN THAT TINY,
LITTLE KITCHEN. WELL, IT TAKES A LOT PLANNING
TO COOK IN THERE, BUT WE MANAGE, SOMEHOW. A LOT OF PLANNING. I HAVE TO GET
THE VEGETABLES. ALL RIGHT, HONEY. I’LL JUST CARVE IT
RIGHT UP, NOW, AND YOU’LL SEE. WE NEED SOME PLATES, BOB. OH, YEAH,
WE NEED SOME PLATES. OH, NAN, WOULD — ( crash ) I’M SORRY, DEAR. SORRY, GUYS,
IT’S JUST — JUST GIVE ME
A COUPLE OF MINUTES. HONEY, WE NEED SOME PLATES.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? FINE. HERE ARE THE VEGETABLES. WATCH OUT. HERE ARE THE PLATES. HERE ARE THE PLATES. YOU’RE ALL RIGHT. HERE YOU ARE. WE HAVE DIFFERENT STYLES, HERE. HERE YOU ARE, HONEY. YES, DARLING. THERE YOU GO. WOULD YOU HOLD
MY PLATE, DEAR? YES. ( singing ) I LOVE TO CARVE. THERE WE ARE. THANK YOU. YOU LEARNED TO CUT
PRETTY WELL, BOB. TRY THE OTHER SIDE, DEAR. WHAT A LOVELY BIRD. HE LOVES TURKEY. WHERE’S MY PLATE, DEAR? HERE IT IS. AND A LITTLE VEGETABLES NOW. THERE YOU GO. THERE WE ARE,
A LITTLE VEGETABLES. THERE WE GO NOW… JUST PUT THAT
ON YOUR LAP. ON MY LAP? OH, THAT’S ALL RIGHT. AND NOW,
THEPIECE de RESISTANCE,
THE GRAVY. OH, DON’T BOTHER! OH, BOB,
IT’S FATTENING! WE DON’T NEED ANY. BOB! BOB, I’D RATHER NOT
HAVE ANY. BOB, I’VE HAD ENOUGH GRAVY! NOW, ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL? THERE WE ARE! NOW, LET’S EAT UP! BOB? YEAH. DO YOU HAVE ANY SALT? WOULD YOU PASS THIS? WOULD YOU MIND? SURE. WOULD YOU LIKE
A LITTLE SALT? WE’LL JUST SALT
IT UP A BIT. CAN I HELP YOU OUT? THERE YOU ARE. NOW, ISN’T THIS
COMFY-COZY, HUH? WELL, THAT’S A MEAL
FIT FOR A KING. NAN, YOU DESERVE
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. YEAH! BRAVO! IT WAS A LABOR OF LOVE,
BELIEVE ME. I HAVE A SURPRISE
FOR THE MENFOLK. I PICKED UP THREE
50-CENT CIGARS
ON THE WAY DOWN. OH, BOY. THERE IN MY COAT, BOB.
WOULD YOU MIND? THERE WE ARE. George:
THE BLUE COAT, BOB. THE BLUE COAT. OH, FINE, I’LL JUST — THE BLUE COAT, EH? IN THE BREAST POCKET, BOB. BREAST POCKET, HUH? LET ME SEE IF I CAN GET IT. ( muffled: )
IF I GET IN HERE… HE’S GOING!
HE’S STARTING TO GO! BOB! ( all shouting ) AHHH!!! IT GOT ME! IT’S VERY TRICKY,
YOU KNOW. WHERE ARE THE CIGARS? HERE THEY ARE.
I GOT ‘EM. LET’S LIGHT UP. ( dubiously: )
50 CENTS APIECE. YEAH, WELL,
GOSH. LET’S CLOSE IT NOW. YOU KNOW, SINCE
WE MOVED OUT
TO THE COUNTRY, WE HARDLY SEE
YOU GUYS ANYMORE. IT’S A REAL SHAME. HAVE YOU FOLKS
EVER CONSIDERED MOVING OUT
TO THE COUNTRY
NEAR US. WHAT, AND GIVE UP
ALL THIS? I WOULDN’T BUY A HOUSE — ( creaking ) WHAT’S THAT? THERE SHE GOES. WHAT? COVER YOUR HEAD!
COVER YOUR HEAD! OH NO!!! WHAT HAPPENED? IT’S NOTHING.
IT’S JUST A ROUTINE
BUST-OUT! WHEN THE PRESSURE GETS
TOO BIG, IT COMES RIGHT OUT! JUST PUT RIGHT BACK
IN THERE. THAT WASN’T TOO BAD, BOB. NO? WE’VE HAD SOME BEAUTS. WHERE’S — Fred:
AHHH! NO!
HE’S TRAPPED! ( gasping: )
IT WAS GETTING ME! UNH! UNH! THAT ONLY HAPPENS
TWICE A YEAR, THAT’S ALL. I THINK I’LL CLEAN UP. LET’S ALL HELP
CLEAN UP. WE’LL GET IT DONE
FASTER THAT WAY. THAT’S NICE,
THANK YOU. I’LL JUST START THE DISHES. YOU WASH,
WE’LL DRY. THAT’LL BE FINE. NOW WE CAN
STACK THESE UP
IN HERE. PUT THEM ALL
IN THE SINK. ( all chattering ) NAN, WHERE’S
THE GARBAGE PAIL? LISTEN… I CAN SEE WHICH ONE’S
NEEDS CLEANING. IT’S ON THE REFRIGERATOR. I’LL WIPE THESE. YOU WASH AND WE’LL DRY. THERE YOU ARE. YOU WANT TO GET IT UP THERE? Neighbor: BOB! CAN I BORROW
SOME SUGAR? SURE. I WANT YOU MEET
MY NEIGHBOR DAVE — THIS IS GEORGE, AND FRED. HOW DO YOU DO? HELLO. ( crash ) OH!! WAIT A MINUTE, FOLKS! IT’S VERY SWEET
TO OFFER TO HELP, BUT I FIGURE IT WILL BE
MUCH BETTER IF BOB AND I DID THIS
AFTER YOU LEFT. OH, WELL — WE CAN MANAGE. YEAH, WE’LL MANAGE. IT’S GETTING LATE ANYWAY.
WE BETTER GET HOME. WELL, UH — HEY, BOB, I THINK YOU SHOULD
SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT MOVING TO THE COUNTRY. NO. NO.
THIS PLACE IS
ALL RIGHT FOR ME. I’M USED TO IT.
I’LL GET YOUR COATS. NO! NO! NO! NEVER MIND, BOB. JUST WAIT UNTIL THE PRESSURE
IN THERE GOES DOWN A LITTLE, AND THEN JUST MAIL THEM TO US. SO LONG, FOLKS. COME ON. IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT. NO! WE ARE NOT
BUYING A HOUSE, AND DON’T TALK
ABOUT IT! NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME,
BOB VICTOR, I’M SICK AND TIRED
OF LIVING IN THIS ONE-AND-HALF ROOM,
LITTLE DUMP! WE COULD AFFORD A HOUSE
AS MUCH AS FRED AND GEORGE CAN! YOU MAKE JUST AS MUCH MONEY
AS THEY DO, BOB, AND IT’S A SHAME
THAT WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE, COOPED UP
IN THIS LITTLE PLACE. FOR THE SAME AMOUNT
OF RENT, BOB, YOU AND I CAN HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE
IN THE COUNTRY. THERE’S NO REASON WHY
WE CAN’T HAVE A NICE HOUSE, AND IN THIRTY YEARS
WE’D OWN OUR OWN PLACE! PLEASE, DARLING,
I’M SICK AND TIRED
OF LIVING HERE IN THIS LITTLE
CRAMPED-UP PLACE! I MEAN IT, BOB.
I REALLY DO! NOW, LOOK, HONEY, I TELL YOU, THIS PLACE
IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME — ( loud rumbling ) AH! LOOK AT THAT! ( loud squeaking ) OOHHH! BOB! HONEY… YOU WANT TO CALL
A REAL ESTATE AGENT AND WE’LL GET
A HOUSE TOMORROW, DARLING? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I’M ALL RIGHT. FINE.
FINE. HELLO. OPERATOR? OPERATOR, CAN YOU HELP ME?
IT’S AN EMERGENCY. YES…

16 thoughts on “SID CAESAR: Small Apartment [THE COMMUTERS] (CAESAR’S HOUR, May 9, 1955)

  1. Great sketch, and great channel too! This reminds me of a student corridor, we were three gals sharing a one-person kitchen. We had to fold one chair and move the minimalistic table in order to close the door. And the fridge was a real jigsaw, I tell you. But it sure was cozy!

  2. https://youtu.be/2-WmppX-aGE and (part 2)https://youtu.be/aLVBebXPkpc and (part3) https://youtu.be/LqlqjNpX0rw (Sid's interview with Mike Douglas)

  3. I have not gut laughed like this, since, I watched the other ones. It drifts right into real life, that needs all the help it can get, thanks!

  4. Is this supposed to be a flashback? The Victors obviously already lived in "the country" (or at least suburbia) in the previous "Commuters" sketches — which is why the three men commuted together by railroad to their jobs in the city.

  5. So help me God, I very nearly live in that apartment…with a teenager. There's no room in the freezer for ice trays, though. Had to special order the fridge that size. SMH.
    The kitchen stool/step-ladder, though…we have a good one, but no room for it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *